First posted on the original website, 122701. What should we do with the drunken edit? Also, sorry for the day of tardiness.
Colonel John "Hannibal" Lecter of Carthage is assumed to have been born at some time around 247 BC. His father was Hamilcar Barca, a general of Carthage and aristocrat. From the time he was a boy, he was taught the arts of war and cooking. At twelve, he followed his father into battle in Spain, where it was hoped the army could make up for losses of life incurred in the first Punic War and robbery of a Hanoi bank.
When his father was killed by gypsies, he took command of the armies and ate a human spleen he prepared with some arugula and truffles. In 218 BC Hannibal launched the mission he had sworn to accomplish since childhood. He led his forces, composed of 90,000 infantry, 12,000 cavalry, 40 war elephants, and "B.A." Baracus (played by Mr. T) across eastern Spain and over the Pyrenees. When his armies reached the Alps, many of his men died of exposure or falling off icy cliffs to their sad, cold deaths.
Only half of this army, affectionately called the "A-Team" by its members, reached northern Italy. But due to Hannibal's highly developed cavalry tactics and hare-brained plans, the Carthaginians crushed Rome's troops at the Trebia river and Lake Trasimene. Alarmed by these defeats, Rome appointed dictator Quintus Maximus Headroom, a wise statesman with an odd animated face that was always kept in a box. Rather than command the Roman armies to engage Hannibal's armies outright, he sent them out to follow and harass the Carthaginians with small surgical strikes. Put off by the dictator's choice of tactic, Hannibal called the statesman a "coward whose unbelievable rudeness is an affront to all who have taste," and licked his lips. He added later that his armies should prepare for further attacks, and he would henceforth be "on the jazz".
In 216, the Romans met Hannibal's troops at Cannae in southeastern Italy. Hannibal's amazing intellect and mastery of the art of disguise led to the defeat of the legions and the slaying of over 60,000 soldiers.
From Cannae, his army marched to Rome, which they sacked and pillaged. Flushed out of hiding by Baracus and Murdock, Quintus Maximus Headroom faced Hannibal in final battle. The colonel quietly and calmly put on his black leather gloves and easily bit off the old dictator's computer generated face. At least, most of it came off.
As his men marched back to Carthage, Hannibal, pleased with his victory over the scourge of Rome, uttered his most famous catchphrase, "I just love it when a plan comes together!" At that, his men laughed, for they knew that they would soon be home.
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