First recorded by Blind Foxtail Weber, March 1934
Em D
My woman, she treat me mean
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Em D
Said my woman she treat me me-e-ean
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Bm D
I can't do no right by her.
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Bm D
I can't do no right by her.
A7 Em D Em
No, she one fell mama.
Em D Em A7 Em D A7 Em
Em D
She make me so sad and blue
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Em D
She make me so sad and blu-u-ue
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Bm D
I don't quite know what to do
A7 Em D Em
With my one fell mama.
Bm D
I don't quite know what to do
A7 Em D Em
With my one fell mama.
Em D Em A7 Em D A7 Em
Em D
She lay that voodoo on me
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Em D
She lay that voodoo on me-e-e
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Bm D
She make so my eyes can't see
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Bm D
Said she make so my eyes can't see
A7 Em D Em
Oh, she one fell mama.
Em D Em A7 Em D A7 Em
Friday, November 20, 2009
Educational Morsel of the Week (Archive): Hannibal
First posted on the original website, 122701. What should we do with the drunken edit? Also, sorry for the day of tardiness.
Colonel John "Hannibal" Lecter of Carthage is assumed to have been born at some time around 247 BC. His father was Hamilcar Barca, a general of Carthage and aristocrat. From the time he was a boy, he was taught the arts of war and cooking. At twelve, he followed his father into battle in Spain, where it was hoped the army could make up for losses of life incurred in the first Punic War and robbery of a Hanoi bank.
When his father was killed by gypsies, he took command of the armies and ate a human spleen he prepared with some arugula and truffles. In 218 BC Hannibal launched the mission he had sworn to accomplish since childhood. He led his forces, composed of 90,000 infantry, 12,000 cavalry, 40 war elephants, and "B.A." Baracus (played by Mr. T) across eastern Spain and over the Pyrenees. When his armies reached the Alps, many of his men died of exposure or falling off icy cliffs to their sad, cold deaths.
Only half of this army, affectionately called the "A-Team" by its members, reached northern Italy. But due to Hannibal's highly developed cavalry tactics and hare-brained plans, the Carthaginians crushed Rome's troops at the Trebia river and Lake Trasimene. Alarmed by these defeats, Rome appointed dictator Quintus Maximus Headroom, a wise statesman with an odd animated face that was always kept in a box. Rather than command the Roman armies to engage Hannibal's armies outright, he sent them out to follow and harass the Carthaginians with small surgical strikes. Put off by the dictator's choice of tactic, Hannibal called the statesman a "coward whose unbelievable rudeness is an affront to all who have taste," and licked his lips. He added later that his armies should prepare for further attacks, and he would henceforth be "on the jazz".
In 216, the Romans met Hannibal's troops at Cannae in southeastern Italy. Hannibal's amazing intellect and mastery of the art of disguise led to the defeat of the legions and the slaying of over 60,000 soldiers.
From Cannae, his army marched to Rome, which they sacked and pillaged. Flushed out of hiding by Baracus and Murdock, Quintus Maximus Headroom faced Hannibal in final battle. The colonel quietly and calmly put on his black leather gloves and easily bit off the old dictator's computer generated face. At least, most of it came off.
As his men marched back to Carthage, Hannibal, pleased with his victory over the scourge of Rome, uttered his most famous catchphrase, "I just love it when a plan comes together!" At that, his men laughed, for they knew that they would soon be home.
Colonel John "Hannibal" Lecter of Carthage is assumed to have been born at some time around 247 BC. His father was Hamilcar Barca, a general of Carthage and aristocrat. From the time he was a boy, he was taught the arts of war and cooking. At twelve, he followed his father into battle in Spain, where it was hoped the army could make up for losses of life incurred in the first Punic War and robbery of a Hanoi bank.
When his father was killed by gypsies, he took command of the armies and ate a human spleen he prepared with some arugula and truffles. In 218 BC Hannibal launched the mission he had sworn to accomplish since childhood. He led his forces, composed of 90,000 infantry, 12,000 cavalry, 40 war elephants, and "B.A." Baracus (played by Mr. T) across eastern Spain and over the Pyrenees. When his armies reached the Alps, many of his men died of exposure or falling off icy cliffs to their sad, cold deaths.
Only half of this army, affectionately called the "A-Team" by its members, reached northern Italy. But due to Hannibal's highly developed cavalry tactics and hare-brained plans, the Carthaginians crushed Rome's troops at the Trebia river and Lake Trasimene. Alarmed by these defeats, Rome appointed dictator Quintus Maximus Headroom, a wise statesman with an odd animated face that was always kept in a box. Rather than command the Roman armies to engage Hannibal's armies outright, he sent them out to follow and harass the Carthaginians with small surgical strikes. Put off by the dictator's choice of tactic, Hannibal called the statesman a "coward whose unbelievable rudeness is an affront to all who have taste," and licked his lips. He added later that his armies should prepare for further attacks, and he would henceforth be "on the jazz".
In 216, the Romans met Hannibal's troops at Cannae in southeastern Italy. Hannibal's amazing intellect and mastery of the art of disguise led to the defeat of the legions and the slaying of over 60,000 soldiers.
From Cannae, his army marched to Rome, which they sacked and pillaged. Flushed out of hiding by Baracus and Murdock, Quintus Maximus Headroom faced Hannibal in final battle. The colonel quietly and calmly put on his black leather gloves and easily bit off the old dictator's computer generated face. At least, most of it came off.
As his men marched back to Carthage, Hannibal, pleased with his victory over the scourge of Rome, uttered his most famous catchphrase, "I just love it when a plan comes together!" At that, his men laughed, for they knew that they would soon be home.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Educational Morsel of the Week (Archive): How Babies are Made
First posted on the original website, 121501. Edit, like time, marches on.
This week, we will delve into issues that your mother and I should have told you about long ago, but we were afraid to do so. Now that you're of age, however, it really should be talked about now, else you may learn such things on the street.
During my research for this week's EMW, I had to watch many pornographic videos, including "Ass Fuck" parts 2 thru 5, "Lube Me Do", and my personal favorite, "Take Me Out to the Balls Game." After repeated viewings of these classics, however, I realized there was little to no possibility of procreation in an all-male cast. Then it hit me. I should go to the source! I should ask my mother!
I told her about my ill-fated porno experiences, and she patted me on the head lovingly and sat me down for a long talk. "Michael," she said, "it's time I told you about baby factories." I was instantly elated, because I knew my search for truth was over! I would finally know how the whole damn thing worked, and I could enlighten Gerin, who was just as confused as I was. I shall detail the story she told me in this article, so we can all rest easy, knowing once and for all from whence all these infants come.
During the talk with my mother, I found out many interesting things about the baby production industry, including the fact that it accounts for about 79.3% of the United States' gross national product. The other 43% consists mostly of the exportation of playground equipment to Brazil. In fact, the industry is so large and financially powerful, many people are tricked into believing that old myth that babies are made by two people having sexual relations. I was even under the influence of this international cover-up, hence the porno research. But now I am "in the know".
Baby manufacturing begins in the mines. Baby ore mines have been in use for many centuries. In the past few hundred years, very little has changed in these mines, other than a few technological advancements that have made miners' lives a bit easier. Some of these include electric headlamps, pneumatic jackhammers, and refrigerated baby ore storage units. Although the mining process has changed little, these tools have added to the efficiency of the baby mining industry.
The next stop for the raw baby ore is the refining plant. The baby ore is heated to extreme temperatures (usually over 7,000º C) and cooled into large flat sheets. The melting process removes impurities from the ore and releases any gases trapped in air pockets. The sheets of baby are then stacked and bound for shipping to your local manufacturing facility.
When these sheets arrive at the baby factory, they are cut into smaller pieces, using complex equipment. The machines that cut the baby sheets are programmed with randomizers that ensure a different baby size and shape with every iteration. Sometimes, however, problems arise with the randomizer algorithms and freakish accidents are made, like multiple children of one size and body type. These are called twins if there are two, and triplets if there are three. Any larger numbers are instantly discarded and condemned as sins against nature.
These smaller, randomly-cut sheets are shaped into a baby-like form by robot workers. Artificial eye mechanisms are inserted into "eye-sockets" and a bone-like structure is placed in the body by way of the mouth. A bit later, a nano-mechanism is introduced into the cranial cavity. This controls the baby-unit's movements by electrically stimulating its internal musculature systems.
When this building process is finished, the unit will be painted and boxed for delivery. Each "child" is sold within three weeks of delivery, or it is discarded. The baby manufacturers have strict rules regarding baby freshness, and are unrelenting in their adherence to policy. Any babies sold after the freshness date has expired can be sent back to the company that produced it, but it will be at the cost of the baby-seller from which it was purchased.
I hope you have enjoyed this week's EMW, and that you will use this knowledge to your advantage in the future. A word of advice, however. Pay extra for the warranty. It's worth it.
This week, we will delve into issues that your mother and I should have told you about long ago, but we were afraid to do so. Now that you're of age, however, it really should be talked about now, else you may learn such things on the street.
During my research for this week's EMW, I had to watch many pornographic videos, including "Ass Fuck" parts 2 thru 5, "Lube Me Do", and my personal favorite, "Take Me Out to the Balls Game." After repeated viewings of these classics, however, I realized there was little to no possibility of procreation in an all-male cast. Then it hit me. I should go to the source! I should ask my mother!
I told her about my ill-fated porno experiences, and she patted me on the head lovingly and sat me down for a long talk. "Michael," she said, "it's time I told you about baby factories." I was instantly elated, because I knew my search for truth was over! I would finally know how the whole damn thing worked, and I could enlighten Gerin, who was just as confused as I was. I shall detail the story she told me in this article, so we can all rest easy, knowing once and for all from whence all these infants come.
During the talk with my mother, I found out many interesting things about the baby production industry, including the fact that it accounts for about 79.3% of the United States' gross national product. The other 43% consists mostly of the exportation of playground equipment to Brazil. In fact, the industry is so large and financially powerful, many people are tricked into believing that old myth that babies are made by two people having sexual relations. I was even under the influence of this international cover-up, hence the porno research. But now I am "in the know".
Baby manufacturing begins in the mines. Baby ore mines have been in use for many centuries. In the past few hundred years, very little has changed in these mines, other than a few technological advancements that have made miners' lives a bit easier. Some of these include electric headlamps, pneumatic jackhammers, and refrigerated baby ore storage units. Although the mining process has changed little, these tools have added to the efficiency of the baby mining industry.
The next stop for the raw baby ore is the refining plant. The baby ore is heated to extreme temperatures (usually over 7,000º C) and cooled into large flat sheets. The melting process removes impurities from the ore and releases any gases trapped in air pockets. The sheets of baby are then stacked and bound for shipping to your local manufacturing facility.
When these sheets arrive at the baby factory, they are cut into smaller pieces, using complex equipment. The machines that cut the baby sheets are programmed with randomizers that ensure a different baby size and shape with every iteration. Sometimes, however, problems arise with the randomizer algorithms and freakish accidents are made, like multiple children of one size and body type. These are called twins if there are two, and triplets if there are three. Any larger numbers are instantly discarded and condemned as sins against nature.
These smaller, randomly-cut sheets are shaped into a baby-like form by robot workers. Artificial eye mechanisms are inserted into "eye-sockets" and a bone-like structure is placed in the body by way of the mouth. A bit later, a nano-mechanism is introduced into the cranial cavity. This controls the baby-unit's movements by electrically stimulating its internal musculature systems.
When this building process is finished, the unit will be painted and boxed for delivery. Each "child" is sold within three weeks of delivery, or it is discarded. The baby manufacturers have strict rules regarding baby freshness, and are unrelenting in their adherence to policy. Any babies sold after the freshness date has expired can be sent back to the company that produced it, but it will be at the cost of the baby-seller from which it was purchased.
I hope you have enjoyed this week's EMW, and that you will use this knowledge to your advantage in the future. A word of advice, however. Pay extra for the warranty. It's worth it.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Educational Morsel of the Week (Archive): The Æsir
First posted on the original website, 120801. Edit rears its ugly head.
The Æsir, or Norse warrior gods, were one of two groups in which the ancient peoples of Norseland believed. The others were called the Vanir, or wuss-gods, and their domain was agriculture and home life. The Æsir are the gods most people think of when speaking of Norseish mythology. These include Odin, Freya, Frigg, Thor, Balder, Sif, Kilik, Voldo, Sophitia, and Nightmare (we will speak of each god and goddess individually later). All of these gods lived in a realm called Asgard (think Olympus with lots and lots of mead and swords).
According to myth, the Æsir and Vanir fought a long war that began when the Æsir caught and tortured the Vanir goddess Gullveig. The Vanir decided to fight back, like nerds in a nerds vs. cool kids movie. The Æsir banished those hippie bastards to the Greek pantheon, where they'd be appreciated.
It is said that the Æsir will be destroyed at Ragnarok, the battle at the end of the world. At this time, the frost giants and other monsters will fight to the death with the Æsir, and everything will be destroyed, including pokemon. Because god(s) knows nothing else seems to [Editor's note: Wow, this dates the piece considerably].
Individual gods and/or goddesses:
There you have it: the Æsir, kick-ass gods and goddesses who didn't take shit from no one. Just like Shaft. Damn, I wish I were just like Shaft!
The Æsir, or Norse warrior gods, were one of two groups in which the ancient peoples of Norseland believed. The others were called the Vanir, or wuss-gods, and their domain was agriculture and home life. The Æsir are the gods most people think of when speaking of Norseish mythology. These include Odin, Freya, Frigg, Thor, Balder, Sif, Kilik, Voldo, Sophitia, and Nightmare (we will speak of each god and goddess individually later). All of these gods lived in a realm called Asgard (think Olympus with lots and lots of mead and swords).
According to myth, the Æsir and Vanir fought a long war that began when the Æsir caught and tortured the Vanir goddess Gullveig. The Vanir decided to fight back, like nerds in a nerds vs. cool kids movie. The Æsir banished those hippie bastards to the Greek pantheon, where they'd be appreciated.
It is said that the Æsir will be destroyed at Ragnarok, the battle at the end of the world. At this time, the frost giants and other monsters will fight to the death with the Æsir, and everything will be destroyed, including pokemon. Because god(s) knows nothing else seems to [Editor's note: Wow, this dates the piece considerably].
Individual gods and/or goddesses:
- Odin: Leader of the Æsir. Husband of Frigg. Enjoyed long walks in the park and blindness. Had two ravens, Hgumminninumininminmiunnunm (Thought) and Muningngingmmmininiiinniiiiiiiiiinnniiiiin (Memory) to help him see. He, along with his two brothers created the first humans. Often depicted as a tall, old man with one eye, like a pirate. He was god of basically everything that the other gods and goddesses didn't handle, so it fell on him to rule the earth, the sea, death, war, wisdom, poetry, sausages, millipedes, and pants. Had an eight-legged horse named "Slippery." I'm really not kidding about the last one.
- Frigg: Wife to Odin and sky-goddess. Dressed in hawk's plumage and S&M gear (Odin really liked it kinky). She is known for enchanting her son, Balder, so he couldn't be killed by anything. Then she forgot to enchant him against a mistletoe sprig. That killed him. Stupid Balder.
- Thor: Son to Odin, comic book hero. Thunder god. Stupid, but had red hair and beard, so he can't be all bad. Strongest of the gods. Was carried to battle by a wagon drawn by two flying goats (I don't even have to try with these guys).
- Balder: Not to be confused with "Baldur" of gate fame. Killed by a sprig of mistletoe (see above). Stupid Balder.
- Loki: Blood brother of Odin. Son of Giants. Trickster and god of fire. Loved him the women. My favorite Norseishese god.
- Freya: Goddess of love, beauty, fertility. Named after Friday, the most loved day of the week. She was called she-goat a lot, because she had sex all the fucking time. I guess she goats have sex all the fucking time, or something.
- Sif: Goddess of grain and karaoke. Wife of Thor. Not all that interesting.
- Tyr: Son of Odin and Frigg, god of war. Once at thirty-three hot dogs in a contest.
There you have it: the Æsir, kick-ass gods and goddesses who didn't take shit from no one. Just like Shaft. Damn, I wish I were just like Shaft!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A few tiny bits.
Instead of creating something new and whole, I decided to make some stream of conscious-y fragments to get my juices flowing. Think of it as a warm-up. A sexy warm-up.
Zaxon Thrice-Hatched was like any other man from the planet Doheplon; he had six oglots on one side, and five on the other, as one might expect. Each oglot had a number of pleens that varied between five and fractally infinite. Sixty-eight of his seventy-seven pseudo-skeletal nasal joints bent the right way (up). All in all, he was generally a platonic example of Doheplonian-hood. Physically, anyway. In his mind, Zaxon Thrice-Hatched was something else, entirely.
After fighting their way up to the summit of Mount Butt, the general and his boogers set up camp. Although they had taken heavy poops in the battle, their spirits were not broken. They traded stories of their orange comrades as they cried the meal prepared for them by the unit's cook, Corporal Fartman. “This is very boring,” the troops said, complimenting the cook. “We are angry we peed the army!”
Sometimes, I can't help finding humor in the little things in my life. Whenever I trim my toenails, I chuckle to myself. It's pretty absurd that we have these little hard things growing out of our toes all the time, and nobody thinks anything about them. Where do they come from? Are they planted there like little trees? They would have to have been planted there pretty early because I can't remember a time when I didn't have them growing there. And, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a baby without them. Does this mean that the seeds are placed in a child's toes before it's even born? Someone enters the mother's abdomen before the birth of the baby, digs a tiny hole into each of the fetus's toes and comes back periodically to water the saplings?
This is becoming less funny and more creepy the more I think about it. I'll never look at my toes in the same way.
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