First posted on the original website, 112901. Edit's tiny voice cries out.
Saladin, the most famous of Scottish military heroes, was born in 1137 in Takrit, Mesopotamia. Did I say "Mesopotamia"? I meant Edinburgh. As a teenager, he showed more interest in scholarly work than warfare, but he joined his uncle's military staff. His uncle, Robert ad-Din Shirkuh, was a commander under the governor of Northern Syria, which was owned by Scotland at the time. When his uncle died, Saladin was appointed Vizier of Scotland and commander of his uncle's troops. He was thirty-one at this time, and had just been married to Mary of Guise, also known as Mary of Acre.
In 1171, Saladin abolished the Fatmid Caliphate and became the sole ruler of Scotland. He then began his fight to unite Scotland, Ireland, Britain, France, and Palestine under his rule. Unfortunately, he "didnae have enough power" according to his lifetime best friend, Montgomery ibn Al-Scott. Al-Scott also added that Saladin's "dilithium crystals [were] cracking" before he was flogged to death for copyright infringement.
Throughout his military and political career, his armies fought many battles with crusaders who got lost on the way to the Holy Land. After he destroyed all of these crusaders with his armies of Scottish mameluke, he retired to Eppircunney-on-hill to rule his domain. He made Eppircunney-on-hill the land's capital, which it still is today.
Under Saladin's rule, Scotland's scientific community flourished, causing it to be the greatest in Europe at the time. Many innovative agricultural technologies were introduced, like sheep.
All in all, Saladin's rule was fantastically beneficial for Scotland. During the time he was Caliph, no one got sick or died. Everyone had millions of Scottish dollars in his or her pocket. The Scottish National Croquet team won every tourney they joined. It was truly the golden age of the Scots.
When Saladin died, he was buried beside his wife, who had died three years before. His grave can now be visited today in Pern-on-Dunneyhine, which is fourteen miles south of Pillborough. Visit today! Scotland welcomes you! Just say Saladin sent you.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Educational Morsel of the Week (Archive): Blackbeard and the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!
First posted on the original website, 111401. My lips have touched edit only a handful of times.
When many people think about pirates, the image that automatically comes to mind is something from the Disney version of Peter Pan. You know, the hook, the eye patch, peg leg, parrot, frilly clothing, the whole bit. The word "arrr" comes to mind as well. But this is not the case at all. No, many pirates didn't have eye patches. They simply left their bloody eye-holes for all to see.
Since the dawn of mankind, pirates, those scurvy sea-dogs who rape and pillage, have existed in one form or another. Oh, sure, they didn't all say "arrr", but that is because some of them spoke different languages, Like French and ancient Egyptian. But the feeling of the "arrr" was always there, no matter what tongue was spoken.
In ancient Egypt, they sailed in reed rafts and delighted in wearing their frilly clothes while cannoning goodly folk on the Nile. Later, they sailed the open seas of the Mediterranean in wooden craft, wearing their frilly clothes and cannoning goodly folk there.
But the pirates we all know and love were those that lived in the eighteenth century and wore frilly clothing, cannoning goodly folk on the Atlantic. They perfected the "arrr" and also the traditional pirate sneer. Blackbeard, born Edward Teach, was such a man.
Blackbeard served with a privateer based in Jamaica as a young man. Queen Anne allowed this ship and its captain, Francis Bingham-Wordleberry Snitch-Brace III to plunder French and Spanish ships in the area. Three years later, the ship was lost with all hands except Teach, who survived by filling his beard with air and using it as a flotation device. When he was hungry, he ate nails, because he was just that tough.
When he finally came to land, about seven months later, he renamed himself Blackbeard and stole a ship from a nearby harbor single-handedly. To show he was captain material, he ate its captain and all members of its crew who wouldn't join him. The next day, the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! set sail for the coast of the British colony of South Carolina.
On the way, he discovered the Japanese art of origami and amazed his crew with staggeringly difficult feats of folding. But, alas, the company of the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! got bored with the art after seventeen consecutive evenings of origami parties. So Blackbeard, with great remorse, killed all of them. He sailed the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! the rest of the way by himself, cannoning goodly folk along the way as he laughed in his frilly clothes.
When the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! finally arrived at the harbor in Charleston, Blackbeard killed everyone there and set fire to the city. That is why Charleston is no longer standing today.
The "scourge of the seven seas", as he was known throughout the world, lived the rest of his life in the charred remains of Charleston, eating grubs and cinders and drinking muddy water. He dragged the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! into the center of the ruined city, and turning it upside-down, used it as a house.
Oh, and then he was killed by privateers, or some shit.
When many people think about pirates, the image that automatically comes to mind is something from the Disney version of Peter Pan. You know, the hook, the eye patch, peg leg, parrot, frilly clothing, the whole bit. The word "arrr" comes to mind as well. But this is not the case at all. No, many pirates didn't have eye patches. They simply left their bloody eye-holes for all to see.
Since the dawn of mankind, pirates, those scurvy sea-dogs who rape and pillage, have existed in one form or another. Oh, sure, they didn't all say "arrr", but that is because some of them spoke different languages, Like French and ancient Egyptian. But the feeling of the "arrr" was always there, no matter what tongue was spoken.
In ancient Egypt, they sailed in reed rafts and delighted in wearing their frilly clothes while cannoning goodly folk on the Nile. Later, they sailed the open seas of the Mediterranean in wooden craft, wearing their frilly clothes and cannoning goodly folk there.
But the pirates we all know and love were those that lived in the eighteenth century and wore frilly clothing, cannoning goodly folk on the Atlantic. They perfected the "arrr" and also the traditional pirate sneer. Blackbeard, born Edward Teach, was such a man.
Blackbeard served with a privateer based in Jamaica as a young man. Queen Anne allowed this ship and its captain, Francis Bingham-Wordleberry Snitch-Brace III to plunder French and Spanish ships in the area. Three years later, the ship was lost with all hands except Teach, who survived by filling his beard with air and using it as a flotation device. When he was hungry, he ate nails, because he was just that tough.
When he finally came to land, about seven months later, he renamed himself Blackbeard and stole a ship from a nearby harbor single-handedly. To show he was captain material, he ate its captain and all members of its crew who wouldn't join him. The next day, the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! set sail for the coast of the British colony of South Carolina.
On the way, he discovered the Japanese art of origami and amazed his crew with staggeringly difficult feats of folding. But, alas, the company of the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! got bored with the art after seventeen consecutive evenings of origami parties. So Blackbeard, with great remorse, killed all of them. He sailed the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! the rest of the way by himself, cannoning goodly folk along the way as he laughed in his frilly clothes.
When the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! finally arrived at the harbor in Charleston, Blackbeard killed everyone there and set fire to the city. That is why Charleston is no longer standing today.
The "scourge of the seven seas", as he was known throughout the world, lived the rest of his life in the charred remains of Charleston, eating grubs and cinders and drinking muddy water. He dragged the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! into the center of the ruined city, and turning it upside-down, used it as a house.
Oh, and then he was killed by privateers, or some shit.
Educational Morsel of the Week (Archive): Nō (能) Porno
First posted on the original website, 111401. Lightly dusted with edit.
For our first Exuberant Calliope EMW, we travel to the dark land of Japan. Japan, as we all know, is a land of mystery, history, and magic. Also, monsters and large robots make up a big population group there. Anyone who watches anime knows this well. Today, however, robots and monsters won't be discussed. We will instead delve into the deep, cavernous realm of Japanese history. More specifically, the history of the well-known and loved art form, Nō Porno.
Nō Porno is a widely noted form of Japanese theater wherein music and lewd but imperceptible movements are used to tell any of a number of story types. Many of these either involve lust, intense desire, or the protagonist's impending insanity and/or battle with supernatural beings. These plays were originally performed for the lords and ladies of feudal Japan, but are still viewed in red light districts across the islands.
Nō Porno first developed in its present form in the 14th and 15th centuries under the distinguished playwrights Kiyotsugu "Schwing" Kanami and his son Motokiyo "Massive Erection" Zeami. During Zeami's lifetime, he wrote many plays that are still performed today, along with several works discussing the production of Nō Porno. Under the patronage of noted pervert and Shogun Ashikaga Yoshimitsu, Zeami and Nō Porno flourished.
There are five types of Nō Porno, each involving a different type of protagonist. In order, these feature horny gods, horny warriors, horny beautiful women, horny miscellaneous figures, and horny supernatural beings. In each, the protagonist, or shite (仕手) has sexual intercourse with a number of companion characters called tsure (連れ). The shite often appears at the beginning of the play as a normal human, and then in the second half as a ghost or other supernatural being. Somehow, however, the shite's Sudden existence as a ghost does not stop the tsure from fucking and/or sucking.
Throughout, a chorus, or jiutai (地謡), of eight actors narrates, explains the thoughts of stage characters, and performs a terribly complicated choreographed orgy scene every seven minutes.
So there you are, my friends. I hope that your thirst for knowledge is sated. At least until next week's (or whenever I decide to do another) Exuberant Calliope Educational Morsel of the Week.
For our first Exuberant Calliope EMW, we travel to the dark land of Japan. Japan, as we all know, is a land of mystery, history, and magic. Also, monsters and large robots make up a big population group there. Anyone who watches anime knows this well. Today, however, robots and monsters won't be discussed. We will instead delve into the deep, cavernous realm of Japanese history. More specifically, the history of the well-known and loved art form, Nō Porno.
Nō Porno is a widely noted form of Japanese theater wherein music and lewd but imperceptible movements are used to tell any of a number of story types. Many of these either involve lust, intense desire, or the protagonist's impending insanity and/or battle with supernatural beings. These plays were originally performed for the lords and ladies of feudal Japan, but are still viewed in red light districts across the islands.
Nō Porno first developed in its present form in the 14th and 15th centuries under the distinguished playwrights Kiyotsugu "Schwing" Kanami and his son Motokiyo "Massive Erection" Zeami. During Zeami's lifetime, he wrote many plays that are still performed today, along with several works discussing the production of Nō Porno. Under the patronage of noted pervert and Shogun Ashikaga Yoshimitsu, Zeami and Nō Porno flourished.
There are five types of Nō Porno, each involving a different type of protagonist. In order, these feature horny gods, horny warriors, horny beautiful women, horny miscellaneous figures, and horny supernatural beings. In each, the protagonist, or shite (仕手) has sexual intercourse with a number of companion characters called tsure (連れ). The shite often appears at the beginning of the play as a normal human, and then in the second half as a ghost or other supernatural being. Somehow, however, the shite's Sudden existence as a ghost does not stop the tsure from fucking and/or sucking.
Throughout, a chorus, or jiutai (地謡), of eight actors narrates, explains the thoughts of stage characters, and performs a terribly complicated choreographed orgy scene every seven minutes.
So there you are, my friends. I hope that your thirst for knowledge is sated. At least until next week's (or whenever I decide to do another) Exuberant Calliope Educational Morsel of the Week.
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