First posted on the original website, 111401. My lips have touched edit only a handful of times.
When many people think about pirates, the image that automatically comes to mind is something from the Disney version of Peter Pan. You know, the hook, the eye patch, peg leg, parrot, frilly clothing, the whole bit. The word "arrr" comes to mind as well. But this is not the case at all. No, many pirates didn't have eye patches. They simply left their bloody eye-holes for all to see.
Since the dawn of mankind, pirates, those scurvy sea-dogs who rape and pillage, have existed in one form or another. Oh, sure, they didn't all say "arrr", but that is because some of them spoke different languages, Like French and ancient Egyptian. But the feeling of the "arrr" was always there, no matter what tongue was spoken.
In ancient Egypt, they sailed in reed rafts and delighted in wearing their frilly clothes while cannoning goodly folk on the Nile. Later, they sailed the open seas of the Mediterranean in wooden craft, wearing their frilly clothes and cannoning goodly folk there.
But the pirates we all know and love were those that lived in the eighteenth century and wore frilly clothing, cannoning goodly folk on the Atlantic. They perfected the "arrr" and also the traditional pirate sneer. Blackbeard, born Edward Teach, was such a man.
Blackbeard served with a privateer based in Jamaica as a young man. Queen Anne allowed this ship and its captain, Francis Bingham-Wordleberry Snitch-Brace III to plunder French and Spanish ships in the area. Three years later, the ship was lost with all hands except Teach, who survived by filling his beard with air and using it as a flotation device. When he was hungry, he ate nails, because he was just that tough.
When he finally came to land, about seven months later, he renamed himself Blackbeard and stole a ship from a nearby harbor single-handedly. To show he was captain material, he ate its captain and all members of its crew who wouldn't join him. The next day, the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! set sail for the coast of the British colony of South Carolina.
On the way, he discovered the Japanese art of origami and amazed his crew with staggeringly difficult feats of folding. But, alas, the company of the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! got bored with the art after seventeen consecutive evenings of origami parties. So Blackbeard, with great remorse, killed all of them. He sailed the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! the rest of the way by himself, cannoning goodly folk along the way as he laughed in his frilly clothes.
When the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! finally arrived at the harbor in Charleston, Blackbeard killed everyone there and set fire to the city. That is why Charleston is no longer standing today.
The "scourge of the seven seas", as he was known throughout the world, lived the rest of his life in the charred remains of Charleston, eating grubs and cinders and drinking muddy water. He dragged the QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE!!!! into the center of the ruined city, and turning it upside-down, used it as a house.
Oh, and then he was killed by privateers, or some shit.
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