Educational Morsel of the Week (Archive): How Babies are Made

First posted on the original website, 121501.  Edit, like time, marches on.

This week, we will delve into issues that your mother and I should have told you about long ago, but we were afraid to do so. Now that you're of age, however, it really should be talked about now, else you may learn such things on the street.

During my research for this week's EMW, I had to watch many pornographic videos, including "Ass Fuck" parts 2 thru 5, "Lube Me Do", and my personal favorite, "Take Me Out to the Balls Game." After repeated viewings of these classics, however, I realized there was little to no possibility of procreation in an all-male cast. Then it hit me. I should go to the source! I should ask my mother!

I told her about my ill-fated porno experiences, and she patted me on the head lovingly and sat me down for a long talk. "Michael," she said, "it's time I told you about baby factories." I was instantly elated, because I knew my search for truth was over! I would finally know how the whole damn thing worked, and I could enlighten Gerin, who was just as confused as I was. I shall detail the story she told me in this article, so we can all rest easy, knowing once and for all from whence all these infants come.

During the talk with my mother, I found out many interesting things about the baby production industry, including the fact that it accounts for about 79.3% of the United States' gross national product. The other 43% consists mostly of the exportation of playground equipment to Brazil. In fact, the industry is so large and financially powerful, many people are tricked into believing that old myth that babies are made by two people having sexual relations. I was even under the influence of this international cover-up, hence the porno research. But now I am "in the know".

Baby manufacturing begins in the mines. Baby ore mines have been in use for many centuries. In the past few hundred years, very little has changed in these mines, other than a few technological advancements that have made miners' lives a bit easier. Some of these include electric headlamps, pneumatic jackhammers, and refrigerated baby ore storage units. Although the mining process has changed little, these tools have added to the efficiency of the baby mining industry.

The next stop for the raw baby ore is the refining plant. The baby ore is heated to extreme temperatures (usually over 7,000º C) and cooled into large flat sheets. The melting process removes impurities from the ore and releases any gases trapped in air pockets. The sheets of baby are then stacked and bound for shipping to your local manufacturing facility.

When these sheets arrive at the baby factory, they are cut into smaller pieces, using complex equipment. The machines that cut the baby sheets are programmed with randomizers that ensure a different baby size and shape with every iteration. Sometimes, however, problems arise with the randomizer algorithms and freakish accidents are made, like multiple children of one size and body type. These are called twins if there are two, and triplets if there are three. Any larger numbers are instantly discarded and condemned as sins against nature.

These smaller, randomly-cut sheets are shaped into a baby-like form by robot workers. Artificial eye mechanisms are inserted into "eye-sockets" and a bone-like structure is placed in the body by way of the mouth. A bit later, a nano-mechanism is introduced into the cranial cavity. This controls the baby-unit's movements by electrically stimulating its internal musculature systems.

When this building process is finished, the unit will be painted and boxed for delivery. Each "child" is sold within three weeks of delivery, or it is discarded. The baby manufacturers have strict rules regarding baby freshness, and are unrelenting in their adherence to policy. Any babies sold after the freshness date has expired can be sent back to the company that produced it, but it will be at the cost of the baby-seller from which it was purchased.

I hope you have enjoyed this week's EMW, and that you will use this knowledge to your advantage in the future. A word of advice, however. Pay extra for the warranty. It's worth it.